ON MY KNEES

When life gets too hard to stand, kneel, i am not kneeling i am on my knees asking why, wanting to know why.....

Ya know i was told that the hurt helps build character, i am ok with that, am not sure why is it that it hurts so bad. I dont understand at all. Maybe I will have the strongest character there is! Maybe this time i will learn not to attach on so fast! Well there are alot of maybes but the only thing is that i want more out of life, and i dont want to hurt at all. This building character thing is good, it is nice to have some character, but the only thing is the hurt, i dont like it at all....

I find myself asking God why so much, and and feeling bad about it, but then i find myself getting over everthing and feeling great, and then i am back at point A, and i hurt so bad. I dont understand. I find myself going through the steps that take me right back down the road i dont want to be on. I dont understand what to do about this, I guess as i age and see different parts of life and go through different steps in life, that i will not find myself back at this point. I want to stand in the rain again for no reason. I want to be able to have fun again! I want this out of my mine! There is more to it that meets the eye. I guess i can say that there is more to it! i am not sure what i am doing wrong, i guess i need to find away out of this!

I guess i am just going on with whatever pops in my mind. I guess what the problem is, is that i try to hard to be stronge. I am calling it Fake, i am being FAKE. I guess i can say i am a big FAKE! I am not who i am, I have showed the world that i am happy, and life is good, when it really isnt! Even though i was told that is not being fake, i guess i should have a point where i dont have my life all out there. But i guess i am not lost right, I am lost for words! I am crying out for help.

So God here i am on my knees!