Ya know this may not make any since cause i dont know what i was thinking, i was just going and going and didnt even think about what i was writing but that is ok!

I guess you can say i am not happy, i am not happy with myself. I am not happy with the people around me i dont know what i am! I kinda guess i dont know at all i am lost! but i know now that i am ready to do what God has called me to do. I can stop worring about wordly things! And i can stop letting my feels take over what God wants me to do! i can stop it and move on. i know it is going to be hard, but i guess being able to say is just a start! I know i am ready! But the funny part is i am not happy with myself! I am not at all! I can say that i am sick of people worring about the dumb things in life, and wanting to someone in there life, (not calling anyone out at all) Just cause i dont talk about it does not mean something is wrong with me. I just dont like talking about it, once God puts someone in my life then i will be happy no i am not going to run around saying if they are hot or not i just dont do it. and i wish people would get over it. but that is ok i guess i am ready for change a big change change that i will be able to be around people i can get alone with. Change were i am not at Home, or around people that will make me have to write things like this! I am not happy can i am like that i can say that! but i guess one thing i do is put on for the world. i dont mind making people laugh, but i would love to be real at all time. for ex i got an msg on where someone told me that they love that i was real, i would like to say to you that you are right i am real but i guess it is only around you. but ya know i would love to be able to be real at all times but i get so worried about other people and i get to at point where i dont want to say anything about my life cause i feel as if what they are going through is bigger then what i am going through even when it is not! then i guess i just do and do for other people and i dont wont anything in return but i guess ya know i like ther feeling of being able to help, but the said think is i am not helping myself. and i hate it! but i guess i would just like to have a GROUP of people that i know i can call my bestfriends! (the funny part is i hate that i had to write this cause it is dumb to have to write something like this when you think you have the best friends in the world) i guess i wont more then just one person i run to when i have to talk to someone! I wont more out of life and in order for me to get it i guess i am going to have to focus on God more! I wont that group, i wont God to come and change for the good!

W.O.W

You know when i write my blog i kinda somehow put a song in it and yet again i have a new one to put in it!

I've been there a thousand times,

I've felt the rain like a thousand knives.

it hurts,I know it hurts!

I've been there like a fighter plane,

Tryin' fly my way through a hurricane.

And it's hard,I know it's hard!

This song i guess is God talking... ya know i really dont know but i think i am 97% sure! but anyway

This song talk about how god have been there a thousand time, felt the rain like a thousand knives and it hurt. Well ya know what i think that i am ready to lay it all down again yet again i am ready to be at the cross and and take it all from me and put it at the bottom of the cross. I just feel as if i have been through this to many times, but yet God knows what it feels like better yet he knows how i feel. He knows that i feel like i am lost in a group of people at a football game! Even though i may know many people what i love them all i just really want that one person i want that one person here. it is really hard sometime even though i am able to pick up the phone i know my Best friend will be there (AUUUUUUU) but i just really want that one person here so i will feel as if i am not alone at the football game. But you know what i am not going to worry anymore cause i know i am able to put it right at the cross were i will not have to worry and i know that there is a plan and it will come sooner or later. Even though i know it will be a fight i will try my best to win, win to wait to wait for the outcome cause i know that there is one. I feel as if God is trying to us me for something, but i also feel as if he is trying to tell me something. Something that i am missing. Something that is in my face but i am just to dumb to put on my Glasses to be able to see. It is not that i dont want to see what is trying to be shown i just can say that i am having a hard time seeing it. I think that i will just keep trying to see it and i will keep looking and i think i am at a point were i will go to any high to see it. I can now say that i have been BROKEN. God has really BROKEN me and i think that i am ready to take the everything and put it back together and us it for the best! Right now i am at the cross... I guess the true question is will i take it from me and give it to Him...

God i really am lost for word! I am not sure what you are trying to do with me i am not sure where you want me in life it is hard for me to understand. I see all of this infront of me but i am lost i am not sure. I guess you can say that i am looking for that support till but i am yet to get it, i guess you can say i am still waiting for that one person here, i guess you can say that i am lost for word!

Lost for words with all to say
Lord you take my breath away
Still my soul, my soul cries out
you are holy

I guess you can say that this is where i am in life, I am lost for words... but Lord you are still able to take my breat away in all that you do! But i am to cry from the inside that you are holy! I want to be able have that since of not worring, i guess that is something that i am going to have to work on . but it is sad that i am worring

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is life not more important than food and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life.Matthew 6:25-27

Why cant i live by this WHY! I WANT TO BE ABLE TO JUST DO BUT I GUESS I AM GETTING TO INTO THE WORLD!

NOW.

What is there to say here, but i am lost, Lost with knowing what is right. I guess that lasttime i felt like this I pushed someone out of my life, and now i am not going to do it again. I guess if i wanted to know the answer to my question i will just have to set back and wait and sometime waiting will hurt cause ya never will hear whatever you want to, i guess i should say something but i am not going to cause that will just be me pushing again to hear what i want to hear. When you do say it, i want you to mean it. I guess like last time when i ask i think it was just said because of the moment. I am no willing to get hurt again i am not willing to be lost again. I willing to wait just to see what happens, if i do get mad i guess that is something i will have to live with. Just like i will have to live with the fact that sometimes people forget about people. But that is ok cause once you forget i will never forget, it will be to hard, but i guess i am just human. All humans are defferent. but i still will have to wait. all of this for two words that i want you to mean. "Best Friend"

ME NOW!

I guess i can say that I may should stop lying to myself I am unhappy, you can say that I find joy an the moment! I am not happy in the inside my heart is brokem I have the feeling that i have lost a best friend! I dont know why! I may just be looking far into the future, worried and scared! I know that the future is here and I am scared, I am not ready for summer. I know that i will miss many people, even though one year has past since I started school. The year has made me many new and GREAT friends. Even two who I know will not be back after these next weeks. Even though that is a part of life that I "HATE" it is something that I have to learn to overcome and become stronge!

To the two friend; To her I really wish you well, even though I can really say you dont need it at all. You are smart and you will go after what you fight for! You will never stop for anything! You have a plan! To him only 3 months! thats all! I can say that I know you will have a great time at school next year. You too are also smart even though I will not get to work for you next year I hope that I can keep myself together! I cant believe that it is over already it was just yesterday we were counting down the months till we are out of school now we are at 3weeks! I can say that is the end of your time here, but know you are going to get to go to better things and i know that it will bring a joy that one can only feel when they know that they are were they should be! You will get that joy! All i can say is CONGRADS to both of you! Thanks for everything! This is the fork in the road were we part and become stronger people, you never know the fork may come to connect an the end one day! Love Yall i will miss yall like CRAZY! Guess yall may not know it but yall have made me who i am today, i guess when we are tought that someone is also looking at what we are doing they mean it! I have seen yall and I know that I can follow the paths that they have walked on!

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking but I

Got to keep trying

Got to keep my head held high

W O R T H L E S S

"For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God?

Or am I striving to please men?

If I were still trying to please men,

I would not be a bond-servant of Christ."

(Galatians 1:10)

It is like many people live the life to please men. I can say that I dont live a life to please God, now dont get me wrong i am not saything that i am problem child! I just can say that i try and i try to spend more time with God, but i find myself still putting the worthless things before God. I guess know that i am not really looking at a big picture. You know what "I am nothing but a worthless piece of plastic" Everthing i have is nothing compared to how great God is but i find my self living for other things! "I will never live until i finally die" I guess another way to say it is "I will never live until i finally die to myself" that means what it says, i will not live until i finally die and live a life for Christ and do as he has called me to do! But i guess this is on of those things that you have to be ready to do! You have to be willing to give it all up and "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." Mark 8:34 Now the question to ask WILL I/YOU GO?

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."

(Philippians 1:21)

B R O K E N

"Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom, in order to start over!"

You know this quote is so true and many different ways, it is funny cause you see many people around me these days who may have so much going for them but yet it is like there is something that keeps pulling them down a road that is not safe for them! There is not that i can do or say to anyone that this happens to. But i do know one thing, being BROKEN!

I know that God has broken me and many different ways and that God will break people in the best times of there life. When they have everything going for them. They have everything going for them on this earth but yet they dont see what God has for them. I have been there and i know it is not fun! It is not fun to have something taken from you or to have the lost of feelings that has bought you so much joy! You know i dont understand why God does this but this make since cause if we are on Gods earth and not doing anything to better his kingdom what are we here for!

I just hate seeing people being broken and having to go through hard times! But all i can do it seek what God has planned for them, and walk by there side!

"Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom, in order to start over!" Same as being broken! God will break us so that we can get back on the right path!