Blue Ballon

A way that I let go tonight was with a balloon tonight, my friends and I went out tonight, and we got a balloon from Red Robin. Well we said that we would let the balloon go together, but all I can say is that letting that balloon go ment a lot to me! We all said we will let this go to the summer of 2009. Well that is true, but I was letting that balloon to the hurt that I have been through, it was a way of me letting go, I know it was hard for me, but I think it is time for me to let go. I am not going to win this at all! I sent all my feeling with that blue balloon, but you know it was hard letting go, because it is something new to me. It was hard to just sit there and think I have been through so much this last week am I ready to let them go, is it worth letting go, or should there be some kind of understanding that I need to find before I give up! But you know I let it all go, now is my heart ready to let it go? I take back that I sent all my feelings with that balloon I really wish I did, because I am not sure if I really did. I just hope that I am able to get over this faster now, I kind of feel as if that the hard part has been done now it is time for me to just slowly let everything go and keep moving on with life. I know that I have been through this 3times but you what, I am just waiting for 4 and I hope that 4 will not end like 3, 2 or 1!

So to that Blue Red Robin Balloon that has my every painful feeling, I hope that you will not return I hope that I will be able to let you go! Even now I can tell it is hard because it is just hard to even type this, because all those WHAT IFs are coming back, but you know I am going to try to fight it this time! Next time I am not sure how strong I will be able to be! I am just kind of lost!

MY DESIRE IS THERE!

but just remember that sometimes in life it pours, pours, and pours…but at the very end of the rain, the thunder and lightning there is always a rainbow and when we see that rainbow we forget about all the hell that led to the making of that rainbow because of its pure beauty. In essence when we are in the middle of a storm we only see the storm but as soon as the rainbow appears we are thankful to God for pulling us through the storms to see such beautiful outcome which is our rainbow.

That is what my friend told me. You know she is very right I never took at moment and thought about it, it can be bad rain for days, and then boom there is a rainbow! LIKE WOW! i needs to understand that after all of this hurt and pain, and not being able to understand that there should be some kind of Good that will come out of this! I am not sure when it will be i am not sure if it will even come out of it, but i do understand that i am sick of hurting! I am done with it i am not liking it at all! I am ready to stand in that rain and let it pour on me and just stand for no reason.

What i have been asking for has been taken away from me 3 times! Not 1 but three crazy i think. I think that is odd, but i am sorry i am not stopping here i will keep looking for my answer, i just was hoping it was going to stop at 3. I am wanting to go back to 3 and make this work, but i guess i am not going to be able to make it work, sometimes, i guess all things happen for a reason, the only thing is, what if this would have not happen, what if i would have went with it? What if i would have not even stopped it, what if i would have liked it! You know it doesn't matter cause that is behind me and i know that now i am going to have to finish strong and hope that this goes away!

"God will give you the desires of your heart"

Can't do it alone!

You know someone once told me ...I believe that most of us are motivated by not wanting to feel bad or to hurt. We are told it makes us stronger, yet we try and try to make those bad feelings end...

This is true; I am motivated to not feel bad, or to want to hurt. But I have been trying to make these bad feelings end! I am been trying to make them stop, but yep not luck at all! I guess I have done everything I know to do.

Then I was told this ....I find it more helpful to let myself go through the hurt....

This I don’t get, well let me say that I get it, I just don’t understand why I want to let myself hurt. I don’t understand why I want to let myself keep going through the same thing day by day. I don’t get it at all, but I guess when there is nothing that you can do about it, and then you have to just sit back and go with it. Even if it hurts so bad that you don’t even see why you bother anymore. I guess, well I don’t guess I know, that I am at that point where there is nothing that I can do at all.

Also was told this......I have missed something. I have missed the gift that is being offered in that situation....Then I can say, oh, thanks for the gift, God, sorry I missed it what is it.....

I get so mad at God when I am hurt sometime, other times am able to stop and just say "God this is all for a reason and I am going to go with what you say is best for me and let you take me" When I don’t say that I am missing out on what God is trying to show me. I guess now I am going to have to go with the hut and wait till I am able to say God thank you for the gift. I know that will be saying that cause I know that He will show me something and show me something great.
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The days keep passing but I am not even ready for anything! I am ready for God to put all this together and ready for things to be back to the way they were. But you know I am going to keep my faith in God and I am going to keep trying to understand what He wants me to do with this. I am ready now for You move me. But yet I am ready for You to rebuild me and make me strong and let me get over this. I am ready for You to help. I am ready for You God to speak to me know! Help me get over this; I know I can’t do it alone!

"for i dont know where the path leads"

ON MY KNEES

When life gets too hard to stand, kneel, i am not kneeling i am on my knees asking why, wanting to know why.....

Ya know i was told that the hurt helps build character, i am ok with that, am not sure why is it that it hurts so bad. I dont understand at all. Maybe I will have the strongest character there is! Maybe this time i will learn not to attach on so fast! Well there are alot of maybes but the only thing is that i want more out of life, and i dont want to hurt at all. This building character thing is good, it is nice to have some character, but the only thing is the hurt, i dont like it at all....

I find myself asking God why so much, and and feeling bad about it, but then i find myself getting over everthing and feeling great, and then i am back at point A, and i hurt so bad. I dont understand. I find myself going through the steps that take me right back down the road i dont want to be on. I dont understand what to do about this, I guess as i age and see different parts of life and go through different steps in life, that i will not find myself back at this point. I want to stand in the rain again for no reason. I want to be able to have fun again! I want this out of my mine! There is more to it that meets the eye. I guess i can say that there is more to it! i am not sure what i am doing wrong, i guess i need to find away out of this!

I guess i am just going on with whatever pops in my mind. I guess what the problem is, is that i try to hard to be stronge. I am calling it Fake, i am being FAKE. I guess i can say i am a big FAKE! I am not who i am, I have showed the world that i am happy, and life is good, when it really isnt! Even though i was told that is not being fake, i guess i should have a point where i dont have my life all out there. But i guess i am not lost right, I am lost for words! I am crying out for help.

So God here i am on my knees!

I need an understanding

This is going to be a short one, cause I am bloginh from my phone.

I guess I am at a point where I am at a stop, I don't know what to think or to do. I am just praying for God to answer my prayer cause He knows what I want but most of all he know what need and don't need, I guess even through I have been praying the same pray for almost over a year now this same pray, but I am fine cause even though it is hard I know God will do what He wants cause I know he knows what's best for me. I guess I hate that it hurt so bad it just way to bad! But I am human so it is ok to hurt the hard part is getting over it. But I am trying my best to understand but it is so hard. HELP!

Not again!

This is what is going on in my brain at the this time, i am not going to look over it cause i want to leave it as is, so maybe you can see that there is alot going on in my brain.

Even though everything is going right, why is it that i have the feeling that i lost a best friend, When i have not done so yet. As a matter of fact i have a new best friend! He is really kool, i have been able to hang out with him some these last few weeks, but yet i am not ready for it to be over i am not ready for school to come back and make us part. See here is the thing i am ready for school. I cant wait! But i am just at a point where i feel like i want to stand in the rain for no reason! I am so lost right now! I am ready to know what is next i am ready for these painful feels to pass. I am not sure what to do with myself right now i just want things to be different! I guess that is what i cry out i want things to be different i am not sure why but i feel like if things were different i would not feel like this. I wish i could go back and change so much! I guess i can say i feel alone. Even though i am not alone at all! I dont get LIFE i dont understand. I dont understand you God, I know that my acts of worship are not a practice for me. I know that you are there, i just need you in this time and i need for you to make it better! I guess i shouldn't be asking for help i need to find my way out of this! I guess i just need to find a way to out of this, i guess i need to understand whatevery one is saying..."saying bye is normal," Well i just want to say it is not normal for me at all! NOPE, i guess you can say that no matter how many times i go through this i will still feel this way. The funny thing is i just went through this not to long ago! This time i feel as if i am not like last time, i feel like i MAY be able to over come it! You know what i am not sure, but i am going to have to say i am going to have to stay strong, even if the strong fall sometimes! WOW i can say that just typing all this out makes me kind feel better, even though i am not who will read this, or who will care. I do know that i am going to have to overcome this and be strong, but i do have to say that i am human and i have feelings. I am just glad that i will have Ashley B. next year everytime something like this happens! Plus i can just type away about it!

Am I Ready?

Today I was reading some old notes in my bible, and it was from a long time ago I don't even remember them really, one cause I didn't take them (my youth pastor used my bible that Sunday) But I did get to listen and when I read it I was reminded about all the stuff that I have been asking myself lately! "Am I ready for this" For those who don't know, I am going to be taking on a big role at my college next year, SGA President. (Student Body President) the answer to that questions is always NO! I am not ready for it at all! But that is GREAT! Cause I believe that will make me push myself to high levels that I have never thought of! Exodus 3 "Moses and the Burning Bush " Is what I was reading, the notes that I got out of my bible from a long time ago are; God calls, God equips, God leads, God sustains. Then i thought about it for a second and just used my life and kinda made them into questions.

God calls: You know God has a calling for everyone, and I am not sure what my calling is at all! I know one thing that God has called me to and that would have to be SMC, He has placed in my hear a place where I am able to be myself and make great and loving friends.

God equips: God has places tools/people in my life that I sometimes don't us, and I do not believe that God will not give you more then you can handle, I believe that He will give you more then what you can handle! but he is giving you these tools/people alone the way to help you.

God leads: Wow God has led me to places that are just more then amazing! He has made me able to not really worry anymore. I know He is leading me and He is always there for me, i cant forget that He is always there.

God sustains: God give more then needed, He is just a GREAT provider

Now when I ask myself "Am I ready" I will answer NO! with a smile on my face cause I know that God is there for me, He is calling me to do something that will shake my world, He has equip me with more then needed, He has lead me to great places and a lot more to come. He has sustain me with more then needed.

To step out of my comfort zone Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is...

God above all the world in motion, God above all my hopes and fears,And I don't care what the world throws at me now, I'm gonna be all ...